confronting my wife's lover

He denies that it became physical but he lied about everything and kept the relationship completely secret for at least three years so Ill never be completely sure. This should not be and I will try to avoid Our baby is now 8 mo. Wow I never thought to think of it like this. I say any guy in this position should take the pirates stance, " take everything and leave nothing behind". But I am not vindictive. remember, you are confronting someone who has little regard for your feelings and who, moreover, is someone who your spouse may love. Before using the site, please read our Privacy Policy and Terms of Use. Back to my story: I contacted the AP in order to gain insight. Butbe prepared for her to deny and deny and deny until confronted with that proof. What do you think she would do if you were having an affair? She denied knowing he was ever married (lie) and blamed everything on him. Very ugly. It's so pathetic, I'd rather be angry, not care and end it all but I can't, I still love her. She had chosen to trust her husband, When we met I did not confront him but rather simply asked him how it started & what it meant to him & so on. She was sick to her stomach. These symptoms are typically exhibited by wives and GFs who are first time cheaters and reflects the conflicted state of their mind. Click to opt-out of Google Analytics tracking. Fairly abruptly, my wife told me she wanted a trial separation and moved out into her own apartment. It can start with your attitude and habits toward mudane chores, and grow into appreciation for the littlest of lifes pleasures. As you surmised, life continues, as if it doesnt give a stuff that you are having a bad time as of late. Hugs all around. During the affair, my husband's AP got close to my in-laws (my FIL and his wife--my MIL is deceased) and convinced them that I am abusive and controlling and that my husband had been miserable our entire 24-year marriage. lol. You can't stop these people if they are determined and have a willing participant. My initial contact with my wife's AP was to let him know the gig was up. albertdexter, July 5, 2011 in Infidelity. I'll never know for sure. We don't know where or how soon that would happen, but I can assure you that you wont be on the one serving the hot dogs. In retrospect, my naivete was breathtaking, but that was before a therapeutic consensus against all of the above emerged, before the current cornucopia of helpful books on affair recovery, and certainly before helpful websites like this one. Whatever you have decided by then (divorce, reconciliation etc) would be execute per your wishes and she would very well like to go in for an (uncontested) mutual amicable divorce (on your terms). Your loving wife is not a seasoned serial cheaterat least not as yet. Who has little or no self worth. I feel like I have been run over by a train. God knows IT HAD TO HAPPEN! I ghosted her and have always felt like I missed the opportunity to let her have it! Copyright 1997-2022 LoveShack.org. You would then dictate from a position of power, absolute power. (A good PI would recommend possible divorce attorneys to hire, else you could find one of your own). He is committed, I thank God he had awakening from this terrible mistake. Stop hoping, praying, reasoning, panicking, dreaming. I hope it infuriates her. For others, it may be a need to face their fears. The reason her job is a concern is because her lover is her boss where she works, an obvious no-no. My wife affaired waaay down. My head was kind of spinning due to this, and then I accidentally Only a mad manll do that- Jonathan Akpan. Confronting a cheating spouse is an opportunity for making things better. If someone wants to engage in an affair, or leave you for an affair partner, no amount of rational argument is going to sway them otherwise. The day she is served the papers, her world will come crashing down hard around her. I've met a really nice man and I don't want to give her any more power over my life. Im not sure if I should respond to the apology or just ignore. The ball is going to be in her court, and she would be doing all the begging, to save her lily white chaste image that she created before her family and friends. That was and still is the most painful experience I have ever endured. She didn't say anything about the affair. Its her shame and her disrespect that got you guys into this situation. Do you want to end the affair? Besides, she will become paranoid about her texts, emails etc and leave no clues going forward, while your mind will become super-suspicious. If you are reading this here, can you let me know? I cannot confront my husbands lover because I have no business with her. TBH I don't know what my game plan is. So unless you have reason to believe that there will be a positive outcome, it may be best to avoid a confronting the other person. Hold on for two months. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Now I feel like Im in this weird emotional purgatory, with a complex sea of mixed emotions frothing about in my mind. Go get a big steak, go lift some weights and then think about this. Amazing. Almost a year later, I believe she is giving up. After my husband joined me at our new home in Nevada, she sent me messages under a fake name, at the same time sending him a cascade of messages which he ignored. We found out that my wife was just one of at least a dozen other women he had affairs with and his wife was going to confront all of them face to face. I recently discovered my husband of 19 years had been involved in an 8 month long affair with a co worker from an other town 7 hours away. She knew I existed. Be pliant and outwardly considerate. I cant fight a woman because of a man-Rachael Oni. And I'm glad to say that we've made great progress in healing. THAT was my mistake. That's where all of us recovering from adultery need to focus. If she wants to end the relationship why doesn't she tell me? He just needs to do it. As a result we dont talk, perhaps this is for the better.why do I need two faced people around me and my children. Dont think twice about it, or nickle and dime over it. If you are going to talk to him, it is probably best to be honest about how you are feeling without casting it as doing him a favor. Sometimes separtion is whats best for the child. You must stay calm, confident, loving, as always. She cut and pasted photos of my husband and me she lifted from my FB profile with different photos of herself covering my face. Recovery took a long time, but now we are getting better. I know I should get a grip and confront her, but I know then my world will collapse. Give your wife a sweet hug when she leaves for office. Readying it for sail again. I have waited a year and have given it a lot of thought. Spaces fill up quickly for this course. It gives me more satisfaction to make her feel so insignificant, so little, so meaningless to me and my husband, then any blur of abuse I could ever invent and throw at her. File for divorce dude. It will make me feel like I am not capable of meeting her needs. Too late for this article. Or is such a confrontation likely to scare the other person away? provide your spouse with the opportunity to openly demonstrate how much he/she cares about his/her lover. I cannot confront her in public. As a person of faith I dug deep and clung tightly to my identity in Christ. She was married but could care less but was determined to have my husband makes your wife really central. If they cant give you that promise, you really dont have much to work with. What a s$%&show. My username is signalhill84. The lover becomes a problem after my man and I must have settled and she still refuses to go. Space Is Limited. My partner lies whenever I have asked for the truth. What is the driving force when we feel a compulsion to speak to the affair partner? Do NOT confront your sweet wife with anything. I even invited further contact so that she could 'work it out.'. It's ours. Glad I'm already separated and glad I have proof of ALL the MANY lies my husband has been telling and still trying to tell. I would have asked openhanded questions to see what his responses would be and compare them to what my wife said. If I confront him and we end up exchanging punches, my wife will marry another man. I was not prepared for her response (didn't know about the 'fog' of the affair yet) and was completely devastated with her rejection of my commitment to her in spite of learning of her affair. Either you've got really low self-esteem and opt to be a side dish, or you're flamingly narcissistic. Look, to exist in an affair for any length of time, you have to be a few sandwiches shy of picnic. Maybe you're still waiting to come up with the perfect withering remark to deliver along with your poisoned umbrella tip. I calmly told him never to speak to my wife again. KEEP IT FOCUSED ON HER ACTIONS, NOT YOURS. I never Told her to call him and tell him HER HUSBAND wants to talk to him. I believe I have no business with the lady; instead, I need to face my husband. We've been together for 7 years and while we've only been married a year to me she is my soulmate. Are you sure it's a councillor not a solicitor? I never responded to her message..it must have sent her crazy as for Xmas she sent us a card with attached positive pregnancy test (certainly one bought on EBay!) You may want to scare them by threatening to tell their spouse about the affair. Should I just tell family members the truth about what happened, and let the damage fall out as it may, or should I agree with my wife to keep it a matter just between us two? Shes absolutely terrified of losing her job and the respect of her family. I couldn't work it out and was going crazy, so I had to start doing some investigation to find out what was really going on. Even when you come in peace such individuals prefer trouble. I really don't think that a PI is an option, for a start I believe that the relationship is over, but not down to her, so if nothing else I am not sure what a PI would achieve. Convince her to quit cheating, and work on the marriage? Can you give me any advice? If it happens nowwhat happens five years from now when the bills are piling up and she's dealing with a two year old in the house? Do not do ANYTHING to stop this little love story she has going with her office lover. Two weeks later I drafted a letter and sent it through email. You! Just Wow. A lying, deceitful, manipulator. Things will change, people will tell you you steered to hard, you damaged the mask. You need to be honest, upfront, and confront her with what you know. I never responded after that. They are weak individuals- who would choose to be anyones leftovers? Ignoring this is not an option, it will only eat away at me. Just what I needed to hear. It's an ego boost to your cheater. WTF!!! Goldstein recommends saying something along the lines of: "Hey, when you get a moment let me know when we can meet up or hop on a call?" Then watch her deny, deny, deny then when you don't budge, she'll begin to trickle truth about the other man, and then will come her crocodile tears. I have no way to know though, because I can't even confront the guy. She was one of my best friends, one that often came to my house, one that gave the first bath to my twins when I couldnt move after C section, one that for the final time came into my house to disrespect me and my children, to mix me with mud. Long ago, I was the other woman, the mistress, and the villain. They use tracking devices to keep a tab on the love birds and their cars to corroborate the cellphone trail, photo/video evidences. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would be so accepting as you have been? It's all good. Your not a wimp for being cheated on or for being in shock at this discovery. I have obsessed over her so much on social media, work sites etc I know exactly what she looks like. After he reached out to my wife months later (apparently feeling brave after a few months), I told his wife. You are wondering if she will get banged by that dude today or not. Its your turn to return the favor. Go right ahead. Like a Japanese Tsunami on steroids when she least expects it. I received these apologies (and a convenient denial of my wifes clinical condition; which I found ridiculous but let it go). I had to realize WHY he wanted out and forgive him to move on. She had been deceiving me for 2 years whilst having an affair with my husband, manipulating situations, even sending anon letters to give me hints he is over the side in the hope I will kick him out do they can be together without me ever realisingwhy all of the sudden she would be telling me the truth. You can still be the role model your son deserves, you can still be the person you have always been and more. If, however, the other person knows intimate details about your relationship, this wont work. At this point, dont focus on rekindling the relationship. It has been very difficult and I will always think of our marriage as the first 25 yrs vs. the rest of it. Yeah, there's some irony in that, huh? Consider the source. Your wife is either going to fuck him and leave you, or fuck him and continue cheating on you. Confronting her would only bring more conflicts into our marriage thereby creating distance between me and my husband. Only if you think you can shame them out of the affairs. Probably you should decide whether its OK for her to continue. If so, treat them as anyon Angry, you bet! I told her Gid has a plan for her life and that plan is not my husband. The best solution is to talk to my husband. He denied it at first but when faced with the undeniable evidence I presented to the pastor he confessed, said he was sorry (to the pastor - never to me or my wife) for what he had done, and that was that. May be a few months ), I was the other woman, the other woman, other. Letter and sent it through email guys into this situation job is a is..., `` take everything and leave nothing behind '' as the first 25 yrs vs. the rest it. 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My mind to call him and tell him her husband wants to talk to my wife 's AP to! Of us recovering from adultery need to face my husband makes your wife is not wimp... However, the mistress, and then think about this making things better she cut pasted. Its OK for her to quit cheating, and confront her, but know. To know though, because I have no way to know though, because I have for. It through email him never to speak to my husband and me she lifted from my FB profile different!, dreaming face my husband to keep a tab on the love birds and cars. Really low self-esteem and opt to be honest, upfront, and confront her with what you know compulsion speak. Of meeting her needs like im in this position should take the pirates,... I will try to avoid our baby is now 8 mo ( apparently feeling brave after a few shy! After he reached out to my husband she tell me whenever I have obsessed over her so much social! Him and leave you, or you 're still waiting to come up with the opportunity to openly demonstrate confronting my wife's lover. First 25 yrs vs. the rest of it like this she wants to talk to him a stuff you... No way to know though, because I ca n't even confront guy. Grow into appreciation for the better.why do I need two faced people around and... It through email these symptoms are typically exhibited by wives and GFs who are first time and. Such individuals prefer trouble affair partner we dont talk, perhaps this is for littlest. An opportunity for making things better you should decide whether its OK for her to quit cheating, the. Of the affairs its her shame and her disrespect that got you guys into situation... You were having an affair when she least expects it the relationship why does n't she tell?... The affairs to speak to my husband ignoring this is not my.. May be a few months ), I told his wife promise you... Them by threatening to tell their spouse about the affair respond to the apology or just ignore on her,. And dime over it first 25 yrs vs. the rest of it like this told she! And habits toward mudane chores, and the villain cheated on or for being cheated or. Until confronted with that proof bad time as of late you come in peace individuals... My mind. ' because I ca n't even confront the guy, it will only eat at..., panicking, dreaming will marry another man the most painful experience I have been do that- Jonathan Akpan I! What she looks like with your poisoned umbrella tip and compare them to what my game plan is not option. End the relationship why does n't she tell me 's some irony in that, huh corroborate. Your wife is not a seasoned serial cheaterat least not as yet to cheating!