dirty medical jokes

We have to open you back up.Patient: Are you kidding me?! So he decided to fulfill his REAL dream and become an auto mechanic. Why did the doctor take a red pen to work?In case they wanted to draw blood! Here are 20+ radiology memes certain to ease your stress: 1. Man: "It was, and she is". All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies. Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting. Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. Days? By submitting email you agree to get Bored Panda newsletter. A woman went to the doctor complaining of pain all over her body. Submitted By: dr. hemantkumar | Current Rating: 4.5. (International Talk Like A Pirate Day), Doctor: "Sorry sir, but your body has run out of magnesium. Is probably going off duty. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. 4. "Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. Where do sick boats go to get healthy?To the doc! So it's no surprise that this translates into some great humor in the professional field. "Doctor: "Of course! They aren't yours. Surfing the vast oceans of World Wide Web, Neilas is trying to leave no crab unturned to bring the readers the freshest content available. ", "After a long debate with my wife, we decided that we won't vaccinate our kids. ", Bloke in hospital with 60% burns, Dr. says, "Give him two Viagra." More Dirty Jokes. A man frantically calls the doctor and says, My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart now!Is this her first child? the doctor responds.The man replies, No, you idiot! 11: I run faster horny than you do scared. Well, said the teacher, The first part was taking the engine apart and you did that perfectly, so you got 50%. 2. Outpatient: A person who has fainted, Pap Smear: Making fun of Dad We have sent an email to the address you provided with an activation link. Accountancy is the oldest profession in the world. Excuse me, are you osteoporosis? "Man "Why? Please check link and try again. What do you call a student that cheated on every test throughout med school?Hopefully not your doctor. 7 Call a Doctor. ", 4. Because I heard about how this guy was diagnosed with pneumonia but then died of typhus.Doctor: No worries here, that wont happen to me. Giving people toilet paper is no longer . ", One day, a man stumbled into his doctors office with a terrible cold. Right before intercourse the female doctor gets up and goes to do a full surgical scrub, she climbs back into bed and they go at it. A guy and a girl met at a bar. Who stands in for doctors when they need to go on leave?The hip replacement guy. Now you can easily and quickly add contacts from your email account (such as Gmail, Hotmail, Yahoo etc. "I will look at him. The curtain opens and a pig is seen making love to a dinosaur. The coronavirus lasts about 14 days, just like everything else "Made in China". Get the latest inspiring stories via our awesome iOS app! What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil? ", Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. "Man: "And? Son: Dad, if I told you I was gay, would you still love me? "Doctor: "The good news is the surgery was successful. Please give me your bill., Receptionist: The doctor is so funny; hell have you in stitches., As I was admitted to the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist and said, Im going to give you a bracelet.. What's the worst part of an apple addiction?You can't see a doctor about it. So, I replied, "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair. He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital as he is OK. See his answers: 1. ", Nurse: Doctor! you know, you could do better.. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. By queensland university of technology. Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk carefully by the pill cabinet?So that she wouldnt wake up the sleeping pills. Add it the comments, we would love to read it! Its dark because theres no light. Why did the rope go to the doctor?It had a knot in its stomach. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. One day, a man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally saws off all ten of his fingers. You wouldnt know if you had that. "How did you find that doctor was fake? What do you call a retired military officer named Kenneth who becomes an obstetrician?General Ken OB. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, You are back early, whats wrong? Patient: Doctor, I am feeling much better now. Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?, A doctor turns to his patient and says, Turns out, you have acute appendicitis.. She took down his name, address, medical insurance number, and told him to have a seat. 1. A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of cough syrup.Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks, Well? Whats the best place to hide from a doctor? A new hybrid. ! the man goes, How could there possibly be worse news than that? 'Why do you feel that?' "Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug. A dirty laugh borne out of a dirty joke will help you get by. Im feeling a little off today. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. A guy strolls into work with both of his ears bandaged up. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. Artery - Study of Fine Paintings or military, not sure. Why is a doctor always calm?They have a lot of patients. They should help you pass the time., A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionists desk at a doctors office.Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday, she complained.The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. ", "Yesterday, the doctor told me I was colorblind. I can tell whats wrong just by looking at them why cant you?The doctor gave her a good look up and down before writing out a prescription. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens.". He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?He was feeling really crumby. He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000." Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow., Patient: Doctor, doctor, Ive got a strawberry stuck in my ear!, Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?. Error occurred when generating embed. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. Let's make music on my sheets. 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I'm feeling a little off today. Why did the computer go to the doctor?It thought it had a terminal illness. Have you got anything to keep it in?' But I refused. Why did the grasshopper go to the doctor?He kept feeling jumpy. It's a gateway tug. The stranger says, "Listen, these pills cost $10 each in the U.S. How can you say they're not worth it?" Patient: "Someone vandalized my house last night!". Husband: The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.Wife: And did he?Husband: Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill., What did the doctor say to the rocket ship?Time to get your booster shot!, Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.Doctor: Didnt the new glasses help?Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer., Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.. If not love, dark, dirty humor makes the whole world rolling. Do you have more jokes for your own? What happened?Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company., Are you an organ donor?No, but one time I donated an old piano to the Salvation Army!. That will be $500." Any idea what it could be?. Seizure: Roman Emperor, Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport. Tell you what, take this $10 bill and buy a new pair!, A bicycle rolls into the doctors office. 74 apple jokes, puns and one liners! I never could before!, A doctor turns to his patient and says, Turns out, you have acute appendicitis.The patient blushed and replied, Compared to who?, "Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine? ", 2. We think the doctor would do a way better job than us. What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?An URL-ologist. "I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright. i have an imaginary girlfriend.. These hilarious jokes prove that blondes really do have more fun. What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop ! Patient: Doctor, doctor, Im addicted to brake fluid., Patient: Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. Submitted By: N.S.Srivatsan | Current Rating: 2.9. Tumor: More than one, an extra pair, Varicose: Near by/close by He turns to the group and says, "It was too small for a condor, too big for a sparrow. She said, "Who was that? AIMS offers students an immersive learning environment that will provide them with the knowledge and skills necessary for a successful career in healthcare. "There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said 'Keep off the Grass. Here are even more adult jokes that are easy to remember. Why is there a rectal thermometer behind your ear?!" In fact, if her blood pressure continues to improve like it is then Dr. Cohen is looking to send her home on Tuesday!Thats fantastic, the woman replied, oh, Im so thrilled!From your enthusiasm, I figure you must be a close family member?The woman replied, Im Sarah Finkel in 302! Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks." A man goes into the doctors office and says, Doctor, Ive swallowed a watch. When the last young nurse said she worked as a nurse at an HMO, St Peter said, "You can go to heaven too." ", The emergency physician spots a duck flying the marsh and aims a huge, automatic combat shotgun, unloading two full magazines into the air, as the other physicians take cover behind him. ", What did the man say to the x-ray technician after swallowing some money?Are you seeing any change in me?. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? Having the proper resources to conduct a successful job search can make a big difference. During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then? Start writing! "He replied, "Neither do I. Of course, if that doesnt work then well just have to put you down.. The 48+ Best Medical School Jokes - UPJOKE. 12 Patient Care. You make my heartbeat like a drop of epinephrine. I dont have to ask my patients these kinds of questions. Why did the doctor laugh at the x-ray of an arm? We challenge you to try not to laugh while reading these out loud to your friends. If I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord. There once was a man from Nantucket Who kept all his cash in a bucket. To prove he wasn't chicken. We're asking people to rethink comments that seem similar to others that have been reported or downvoted, By using our services you agree to our use of cookies to improve your visit. because i put on the wrong sock this morning. brutalanglosaxon 2. Because I heard about how this guy was diagnosed with pneumonia but then died of typhus.. !Nurse: B positive.Doctor: Im trying, but hes lost a lot of blood., "Knock, knock. Because youre giving me a serious bone condition! It only costs $10." Jones, you may want to sit down. One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. To complete the subscription process, please click the link in the email we just sent you. Get a lawyer. Instead of manually entering the email addresses you want to send to each and every time, you can now create your own personalized contact list that will be available for you to use any time you want to share one of our posts with your friends and family. Through a combination of lecture, lab, and clinical hours, students develop essential skills and gain practical experience. After examining him, an Irishman goes to the doctor and says, "You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay. "Doctor: "Okay, but why are you telling me about this? Son Tells His Parents Hell Never Speak To Them Again After Finding Out Theyre Paying For Sisters Education Yet Didnt Pay For His, The Best And Worst Transformations Seen During School Reunions, As Shared By These 30 Internet Users, 'You Are Not Alone': I Made Relatable Illustrations Of A Middle-Aged Panda Experiencing Daily Struggles (16 New Pics). A man dropped a knife and cut off his toe. The doctor . My thermometer just broke. What can I do?. Q: Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine? He was a double-crosser. Irish Jokes the doctor. After the tremendous noise ceases, the intern uncovers his ears and shouts, "What the hell was that?" Weve got the results back from your tests, and weve found you have an extremely nasty virus that is extremely contagious!Oh my gosh, cries the man. The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are you have small boobs. ", What did the balloon say to the doctor?I feel light-headed.. One liners and short jokes; He said he could feel it in his bones. As far as dirty jokes go, we can safely say that size doesn't matter. Patient: Doctor, doctor, Im addicted to brake fluid.Doctor: Nonsense you can stop anytime., Patient: Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. AIMS offers students an immersive learning environment that will provide them with the knowledge and skills necessary for a successful career in healthcare. ": 40 Hilarious Before-And-After Pictures, As Shared By These Women With A Sense Of Humor (New Pics), 30 Of The Most Spine-Chilling Things Kids Have Ever Said, As Shared In This Viral Twitter Thread, Woman On TikTok Calls Out Airbnb Tenant's Entitlement When She Realizes That She Has To Do Chores Despite $125 Cleaning Fee, Old Photos In Real Life: 35 Pics That Show How Much Time Affects Everything (New Pics), AITA? Hilariously Inappropriate List of Dirty Jokes "Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine." NBC. One day, a man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally saws off all ten of his fingers. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed. It's important to have a good vocabulary. Doctors themselves have a great, if a little morbid, sense of humor. 3. One liners and short jokes; I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point. Jones: What? Wife: No, he said you could have a stroke at any time. "The surgeon responds, "I know. Top Juan Direction songs include: Another Juan bites the dust, Somejuan like you, Taco chance on me, Baby Juan more time, Somejuan you loved, and Juan way or another. How do you know your doctor is a vampire?He draws your blood from your neck with a straw! The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce. A chap sees a surgeon and says it hurts when i touch my neck, my arm or my chest. These are pretty useful for cracking a joke at a party (or at work), or simply looking for a joke to break the ice. Patient: Doctor, doctor, Ive got a strawberry stuck in my ear!Doctor: Dont worry, I have some cream for that., Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?Doctor: Sell!, What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?Get dressed up the doctor is taking us out!. Medical Dirty Jokes. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Doctor, i have a serious memory problem.i cant remember anything! I have some bad news and some very bad news which would you like to hear first?Mr. I'm sorry, sir, but we've found high traces of glucose in your urine. Some @$$#le has my pen! Patient: Doctor, are the test results ready yet? What is awarded to Dentist of the Year?A little plaque. Did you hear about the Obstetrician who became a stand-up comedian? Even if you don't have a radiology background, you can share a laugh with us! ""3:30 who? "Doctor: "119". I never could before!'. That also hurts. Then she touched her left earlobe and yelled again, Even that hurts doc.After examining her, the doctor came to a conclusion the woman had a broken finger.